Today, we’re sharing our best tips to spice up your sex life. Having a good dose of sexual energy is vital for happy relationships because it leads to a sense of connection and intimacy between partners. And lets just say it, good sex is FUN. Research shows that erotic encounters increase levels of oxytocin in the brain which makes everyone happier, more relaxed, and more content in their relationships. This improves interactions between partners, which in turn leads to even more and better sexy encounters–Win win!! If you’ve tried our app, you know that creating these kinds of positive cycles in relationships is what Two2Tango is all about (although in many different ways, not just, ahem sex). We invite you to take the first step in improving your own relationship by getting Two2Tango and enjoy turning up the heat in your relationship with our suggestions below.
1. Relax and realize you aren’t alone
If you feel like your relationship is going through a dry spell in terms of physical intimacy, first thing to do is take a deep breath and acknowledge that many relationships experience this same thing at some point. Just because you are in a rut now, doesn’t mean you have to stay there!
Relationships go through cycles and many factors affect how often you are having sexual encounters. Hollywood and the media depict hyper-sexual and wildly passionate relationships as the norm, although this is often not a reality for most couples who have made it past the honeymoon phase. This is especially true when you add to the mix having young children, stressful jobs, and the ups and downs that are a normal part of a matured relationship. Your relationship isn’t a failure if you’re having less sex than you used to when the initial novelty and excitement of sex begins to wear off.
Relax your expectations about sex in your relationship and what you ‘should’ be doing. Instead view this moment in your relationship as part of a longer, ever-evolving story. And know that like all other aspects of your relationship–you can improve it, if you make an effort to improve it!
2. Work on other areas of your relationship
So often, lack of sex is a symptom of a bigger problem. Partners withhold sex from one another for a variety of reasons–feeling resentment for unmet expectations, inability to resolve conflict, lack of energy when other things are prioritized over the relationship, power struggles, the list goes on and on. When you work on your relationship, you solve the underlying problems that otherwise get in the way of being intimate. Need better communication? More caring interactions? A bit more playfulness? Better split of household duties? More 1:1 time with your partner?
Whatever it is, resolving these areas will help both partners get into a sexual mindset more often. The great thing about focusing on your relationship is that once you start having more intimate interactions as a result of an overall improved relationship, positive cycles begin set in. Both partners start having more goodwill towards each other, which leads to even more improvement in the relationship, which leads to more sex, and the cycle continues. Better relationship = more, and better sex. So, sign up for Two2Tango and start seeing the improvements today.
3. Focus on increasing the erotic energy in a relationship, rather than pushing only for sexual intercourse
We almost started the article with this point because it’s so, so important. If you always set the end goal as ‘intercourse with both partners orgasming’, you’re missing out on an opportunity for sexual energy to build naturally, and potentially setting yourself up for failure with too much pressure and feeling forced. Instead, focus on what you can do to turn the heat up in a relationship a number of ways. You will find that when you focus on building sexual energy indirectly, you end up having more sex as a natural progression, and will most certainly find more enjoyment in the journey along the way.
There are many ways you can connect in a physically intimate way. Just a few examples include giving each other a massage, taking a shower or a bath together, sleeping nude in the same bed, taking time to kiss more slowly and passionately, sending naughty photos or texts. By doing these things regularly you’ll find more moments when you’re both turned on and naturally be more in the mood. It’s like a more pleasant acceleration going 0mph to 30mph to 60mph rather than just 0 to 60. It’s all a build up, and that build up is what you should be aiming for and enjoying the entire experience, instead of just the end result!
4. Have an honest and open conversation about both of your needs and wants
In order to satisfy both partners in a relationship, you first need to establish what each partner needs and wants. Do you know how often your partner wants to be intimate? Is your partner satisfied with the current state of things? Do you know all of your partners preferences around everything to do with sex? Do you know each others fantasies? Can you be openminded to explore each other’s desires together? In this conversation you’ll both need to be transparent and honest, otherwise you can never expect to achieve what you want. You are not a mind reader and you can’t expect your partner to be a mind reader either!
If you find you and your partner have a mismatch in libido, welcome to the club that includes almost every couple we’ve ever spoken with. Once you’ve established what both partners need and want, mismatches will require a bit of negotiation and compromise. Try to find middle ground between your and your partners’ needs/wants and keep in mind that like being physically intimate can be a caring action for your partner.
5. Schedule sex (or being sexy)
Ok I’m not going to lie, I absolutely hated the idea of this one before I fully understood the reasons why so many people are not having enough sex. I mean, can you think of anything less sexy sounding than scheduling sex? A while back, Fernando told me a story about one of his close friends regularly scheduling sex with his wife and I couldn’t help but cringe at the idea. Everything about it sounded so mechanical and at odds with what I want and expect from a sexual encounter–spontaneity, passion, and raging desire. To me, making an appointment to be intimate sounded strange and wrong. So, if you’re thinking that right now, I totally feel you. However here’s a bold statement I genuinely believe after nosily prying into the details sex lives of many, many couples I’ve now spoken with:
If you aren’t scheduling sex, you aren’t having enough sex, or as much sex as you could.
Let me explain. Anyone in a mature relationship will invariably agree there is lots of less-sexy stuff that goes along with having a busy, complicated life together (see #2), especially when children are involved and the focus is no longer solely on the couple unit. With a million things to do, busy and varying schedules, what is the likelihood of both partners ‘being in the mood’ at exactly the same time on exactly the same day? Unless both partners have unusually high libido and are ready to go all the time, the chance of both partners spontaneously wanting sex at the same time is relatively low. And back to my earlier question–I can think of something less sexy than scheduling sex– having little or no sex at all, if you only allow it to happen is spontaneously. Our chats have revealed that for many couples who don’t make time to prioritize sex, sex is limited to birthdays, holidays, vacations with long stretches in between. Is that enough for you? Definitely not for me. If you aren’t on track to where you want to be, commit to setting aside time for being intimate with your partner.
Scheduling sex eliminates problems with initiation
The other compelling reason I’m convinced that scheduling sex is an important step for many couples is because it eliminates problems around initiation, which is a surprisingly common issue that couples face. Everyone wants to feel desired and it can be upsetting when one partner doesn’t want sex when the other does. This can lead to feelings of rejection, feeling unwanted, and cause partners to question themselves and the relationship. It’s not uncommon for a partner to stop initiating out of fear of rejection. For couples that experience this as an issue, by scheduling sex, you eliminate the fear of rejection because it’s something you’ve both already agreed upon in advance. There is no bid for attention, and no chance for internalizing an unsuccessful attempt as ‘not being wanted’. Remember, it doesn’t just have to be sex–it can be a sexual or erotic activity (see #3)
6. Consider trying a sex bucket list
When you’ve been having sex with the same person for years, at some point — unless you are both adventurous and openminded to trying new things–novelty wears off. It’s common to fall into a mechanical way of doing things that can become a bit ahem, boring. Trying a sex bucket list will force both of you to go out of your comfort zone. And if your bucket list is broad enough we’re sure you will find things you and your partner both enjoy that you perhaps hadn’t tried before. Most of the couples we talk with express a desire to try new things, but are too embarrassed or afraid to suggest them to their partner. By committing to a sex bucket list you have the perfect excuse to explore your and your partners sexuality and add some novelty back into the mix of things. Please don’t be shy. Life is too short. If you find yourself feeling restrained or self conscious because sex is normally a taboo subject that makes you feel uncomfortable, explore and challenge those beliefs so that you can access a higher level of sexuality within yourself.
7. Make an effort to take care of yourself and set the mood right
Last but not least, don’t skip out on doing what you need to do to make yourself feel sexy. Meditate to clear your mind, take care of your body, get dressed in whatever makes you feel good, pamper yourself in any way that makes you feel more confident. After you’ve focused on yourself, focus on how you can create an ultra sensual environment. Do you like candles? What kind of music puts you and your partner in the mood? What kinds of things turn your partner on? The more of these things you do, the better mindset you will be in to be intimate with your partner. Stack the odds in your favor by putting a little thought into things in advance.
Let us know what you think of these tips to spice up your sex life. We’d love to know if they have been helpful for turning the heat up in your own relationship.
